Did I live my life to its full potential? I would say no. There are expectations which I had set and met, but there are some that I did not. It was either that I have just fallen short of what I had set out to do or never had set out to do them in the first place. It was a fun life, which I agree. I had friends that I enjoyed chilling around and having a good time. I had my fair go on the thrill of chasing after 'the one', or so that I thought at that time. I had discovered love and had love broke my heart. I had my moments where I just felt like giving up, only to find hope in what was broken in me. I have always clung on hope, of which I was able to be myself through any circumstances.
However, I'm not myself recently. The friends that I have at the moment aren't ideal to my life at this time. They are great friends for just hanging out once in awhile, but they aren't the kind who I can just be myself and let loose. Maybe it is since that time when I've closed myself to everyone, well just about everyone. It is probably because I keep making comparisons between a better friend to one that is not. The first time I recalled of doing such was when I was 6 years old. I've kept comparing the friends that I've had with the one that I 'deem to be the best'. Ever since then, I never really opened up to anyone. Not until when someone had beaten my expectation of how great a friend can be. But even now, I keep comparing my current friends with that person.
Is it bad for me to be picky? Do I set the standards too high, or am I just being cautious? It might because of a friend that I've shared to, but that person had broke my trust. It must be then when I was careful to share the stories of my life away to people, thus placing a standard of which people have to earn my trust.
Probably I might be a little too harsh on the friends that I've got. But some of them have behaviors or habits that I just can't stand. I've tolerated them so far, but to what extent can I tolerate such things? But even so, I feel that I'm placed around these people for a reason. I feel like I have the burden to try to change them to be better people. But who am I to judge what is right or what is wrong to them? I could just continue on and try my best to be a good friend to them, but there is a side of me that wants to be around friends that I can just be myself and let go.
I think that I just need to find that right mix of people to hang around with. I just haven't found the right people that I'm searching for.
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